Today I was worship leader at church. I stumbled lighting the peace candle. I read the wrong scripture. The Children's Time presenter talked about the imperfection of humans. Listening intently, trying to drink that truth in, I thought maybe it was about me, Jenny Campagna as human. That was before the wrong scripture. As a therapist, I know I must forgive myself as quickly as humanly possible. The 'humanly possible' is the tricky part.
Forgiveness seems particularly difficult for parents. I listen to distraught parents who haven't been able to reconcile their concept of good parenting with their own behaviors. They see a long string of mistakes negatively impacting their children. Society reinforces this impossible mathematical equation: have a child, add good parenting and out comes a functioning adult. I ask what they think they are doing right and often there are tears in response.
I've taken to saying the following: we don't want human children raised by robots or aliens. We need human children to be raised by human parents. Human parents aren't perfect. Parenting is a 24 hour unpaid and most often unsupported task. If you aren't stretched to your limit at some point in the course of parenting your children, then you better get writing a book now because you are the only one.
Since we don't have the instruction manual, we must continue to flounder and grapple with our sense of humanity. What happens if we don't? My robot and alien pep talk is often aimed at people feeling they want to give up, they feel trapped and hopeless. But there are no robots and aliens standing by (that I know of) who are willing to read the right scripture or parent our children perfectly. We can choose to be angry with ourselves for any slew of foibles and missteps. This anger will not shield us from future mistakes.
My question is often what is needed for timely forgiveness. This might be different for each individual. I told the woman who schedules worship leaders that I was glad I wasn't scheduled again until April. I need a break. In many of our roles and especially as parents, there is no break. What other ways can we forgive ourselves? Here is a non-exhaustive list of possibilities:
1. Connect with others who you can be honest with about your experiences. I'm not sure who this is for you. But, I do know that being able to trust someone with your story is key to good mental health. Make a list of who these people are and keep it on your refrigerator because sometimes when we feel bad, we can't remember the strength of our support system.
2. Consider changing your story. I have three grown children and sometimes my children help me change my bad parent story by reminding me of good memories. My sister's partner was a prolific family film taker. I watched many hours of films with my sister after her partner died. I wasn't the main character, my adorable nephew was. But, I could hear myself in the background positively parenting my children. I was telling my middle son that he needed to follow the rules even if his cousin didn't. I was telling my youngest son that I would not sing Deck the Halls without him. This helped me see how I had shined a spotlight on my mistakes and let my daily successes fade into the background.
3. Ask your inner critic if it is trying to be helpful. This is often a disarming question for critics, both inside and out.
4. What does self care look like to you? When we are ill or tired, we are not our best selves. Sometimes forgiveness begins with just basic gentle self care. Remember the acronym HALT. Check in with yourself several times a day and attend to yourself if you are Hungy, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.
I'm beginning self care and forgiveness with a piping hot cup of fresh ginger lemon honey tea. Blessings on your human and parenting journey. I'm glad your life got you to step in and live it in imperfect and glorious ways.