I am a fan of giving clients homework. This position can be tricky because people who come to counseling are often overwhelmed and need to remove items from their to do lists instead of adding new ones. Like my own therapist, I try to make assignments simple. My therapist recently recommended periodic body check-ins throughout the day. "Just notice where you are," she said. It was an invitation to be in the present. It was helpful.
Recently, I asked a client to examine "shoulds" and how they impact her life. I believe she came up with the idea that imaginary shoulds were housed in a basket. I imagine individuals carrying their should baskets around, full of expectations for right thoughts and behaviors. Shoulds keep filling our baskets and getting heavier. They can have myriad flavors. I should be able to get my work done. I should get along better with people. I shouldn't care about that thing anymore, that loss, that slight, that experience. I should eat better or exercise more.
A couple of weeks ago I was having a delightful lunch with another counselor who is also in private practice. I was talking about how much belonging to an organization costs. She asked what I got out of it. I didn't have good answers. How was this investment serving me? I didn't know. Eventually I said, "Yeah, but shouldn't we belong to this organization?" She said, "I'm a therapist, I don't believe in shoulds." We laughed knowing how many times shoulds stand in the way of client growth.
Taking a stance against shoulds is an exercise in boundaries. Are our decisions serving us, supporting us, or building us up? Or are we making decisions based on someone else's needs or ideals, past paths, obligations. It might be a language shift only. As we unpack our baskets, we can decide to turn a should into a powerful choice. I could say I choose to belong to that organization. We can also set the shoulds aside as we unpack, not rename them as choices, just let them go as we lighten our loads.